Gettin' Smokey in the Wild Wild West

Guest Columnist: Lee Schechter  

Guess who’s back. Back again. Meat smoking guy. Tell a friend. No, seriously, tell a friend, this article is about to go big…

Continuing in my adventure through “Smoky Paradise,” as I call it, I decided to go big with a meat that I had never attempted before. I draw my inspiration from a magical place in the world. Good guess, but no, “Smoky Paradise” is not the most magical place in the world. My inspiration comes from Disney World. Think, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, Country Bear Jamboree, and my personal favorite, Splash Mountain. Yes, that’s right, I have found my smoky laughing place in Frontierland.

As a young lad, my family vacationed to Disney World regularly and a tradition was born.

Me: Hey Dad, Frontierland?
Dad: You bet, my boy.
Me: We have to get some SMOKED TURKEY LEGS!
Dad: Way ahead of you, son.
Me: Hell yeah!

After years upon years of deprivation from the smoky goodness of the Wild West, I decided to find my inner frontiersman, get wild, and shout to the world yet again, “MHMMM TURKEY LEGS.” So here is my kickin’ it old school rundown on making the perfect smoked turkey legs. While Frontierland holds a warm spot in my heart, (or maybe that’s just all the smoked meat I’ve been eating, hmmm… probably should get that checked out…) I think I got really creative and well, move aside Disney, there’s a new Wild West sheriff in town and it ain’t big enough for the both of us.

You know what else ain’t big enough? My smoker. Damn, I really have to get myself a new one because 30 pounds of turkey legs becomes quite difficult to assemble into an average size smoker. All right Tex, time for some sharpshooting in smoking turkey legs.

Tip #1: Get a lot of turkey legs.

Buy a lot of turkey legs. Share with your friends. Go crazy. Get buck wild.

Tip #2: Simple, yet defined.

Make a simple, yet defined rub. Turkey legs are all about the smoky flavor. So do not, I repeat, do not go overboard. I used a simple blend of chipotle powder, paprika, chili powder, and brown sugar. The brown sugar is very key because it counters the spicy smokiness of the rub.

Tip #3: Cherry.

Use cherry wood. It won’t overpower the meat, but it will provide the perfect amount of smoky finish.

Tip #4: Smoke those legs. They want the smoke.

About four hours is all that is needed. Smoking is key and make sure they get that smoky flavor. Channel your inner youth. Be a frontiersman. Picture yourself on the Great Plains wrangling buffalo while riding your white stallion, and imagine yourself with a rifle in hand. Put on a cowboy hat, and like all smoking processes…wait it out.

Tip #5 (realistically it should be the #1 tip): Make use of your time.

Smoking takes time and commitment, so get creative yet again. I was up at 7:30 A.M. to make these, so I needed to kill time before the football game and what better way to that than to make some sauce. Get creative. Use what you got and then some. I found some Jack Daniels whiskey sitting on the counter. Cowboys and meat smokers drink whiskey, so if you don’t already drink whiskey, then get on it. Take the Jack, add some honey to sweeten it up, ketchup, more brown sugar, salt, and black pepper to taste. Find the right balance. With all sauces I make, I eyeball my measurements. Feel the love. Was the old frontier measured out? The answer is no. And neither should sauce ingredients.

Tip #6: Glaze and eat.

Take that creative sauce and glaze up those legs. You have now created the perfect blend of sweet and spicy, meaty and smoky, new world and the old frontier. Share with friends. Unless you can eat 30 pounds of turkey legs, then more power to you.

Tip #7: Create your own style of eating turkey legs.

The forehand grip is a classic. But, get crazy with the backhand power grip to maximize bite-ability and the aura of manliness. Chicks dig the backhand power grip.

Tip #8: Be a man.

As always, be manly when eating smoked meats. Get loud. Battle cries are a good option. Let the skin and meat hang from your jaw, chew with your mouth open, let the sauce cover your face. Eat every morsel off the bone. Hell, eat the bone. Don’t leave scraps; your friends will ridicule you. You have to hunt for your own food in the Wild West, so eat it all. After every meaty morsel is scavenged off of the bone, start screaming “BONE YARD,” spike the bone into the ground, your friends will follow along and you will have created a smoked turkey legs bone yard.

Tip #9: Keep being a man.

Welcome to the Bone yard, men. Reflect on the wild frontier. Spend the rest of the day being a man, admiring the bone yard, and embracing the Wild Wild West.

All The Things I Smoke...Let's Get Smokin' With Some Pulled Pork!

Guest Columnist: Lee Schechter  

Misleading column title? You bet. Well, not exactly.

I want to take a moment to apologize to the stoners out there… If you came to my column hoping I smoked a boatload of drugs, you are shit out of luck.

So here is my formal introduction. Welcome to the wonderful world of smoking… MEATS!

Okay, so enough with the intro. It’s time to get manly with some manfood, man.

Kid in a candy store, Tim Tebow during his first Jets press conference, and a freshman at his first frat party. These are all excited people. But, no one, I repeat, no one, is more excited than this guy in a meat market (or Costco).

So here is my task list en route to smoking the perfect pork butt.

Task Number One: Stay on Task

Pick some really good meat. Toss two seven-pound pork butts, four racks of baby back ribs, six pounds of ground chuck into the cart (buggy, wagon, whatever you want to call it). Don’t forget the Italian sausage. Leave Costco about ninety dollars poorer. But, ninety times happier. (This is assuming a ratio of $1 spend to 1 life happiness point.) Knowing I just went H.A.M on Costco’s meat department, I leave in triumph and meaty glory. (See the pork joke, don’t worry I’ve got a trough full of them. Okay, I’ll stop.)

Task Number Two: Don’t resist the pork butt.

It’s calling my name. “Smoke me, Lee… Smoke me…” True story. It actually said that. I’m sold. Pork butt is too good, too enjoyable to cook, and way too manly to resist in the journey to becoming a manfood expert. Okay, time to get down to man-business. Time to get dedicated. Time to focus up on the art of smokology. Task Number Three: Get sensual.

The key to smoky, flavorful, rich pulled pork is all in the rub. I use a home-blend of about twelve spices and rub the pork butt the night before. So get sensual with the pork butt. Love the pork butt. Take some vegetable oil and lather that butt up. Make it glisten. Make it shimmer. Work it. Talk dirty. Pour a hefty amount of special rub into your hand and just have at it with the pork butt. Coat that ass. Cover every end, side, and corner. The butt should have a deep reddish brown layer of spiced goodness. Thank the pork butt for a great night. Kiss it. Tuck it into bed in a container and cover it with Saran wrap. Let the pork butt think about last night, marinate in the rub, and prepare for its big, long day.

Task Number Four: Wake up really early and mentally prepare for a long, long day of smoking.

Get up really early in order to eat at a reasonable hour. With the pork butt all ready to go, load up the smoker with a solid choice of chips. I enjoy cherry for pulled pork because it is a subtle flavor, but strong enough to really hit up the meat. Mesquite is a bit too powerful, but there are some other options like apple or potentially a hickory. After the chips are in place, set up the grease pan, things are going to get messy. Pigs love to sweat out their grease. Trust me. Lower the pork butt on the rack. Keep the temperature around 225 degrees. And smoke that ass for the next ten hours. General rule is about two hours per pound at 225 degrees. Run with it. Bask in the sauna of smoke. The trick to the perfect pulled pork is all in the love. I love the pulled pork with 85% of my heart (13.25% girlfriend and 1.75% friends and family). Grab a beer, relax in a recliner, watch some football, get up and realize it has only been a few hours, repeat the previous steps, lather, rinse, repeat again and watch the clock for ten hours.

Task Number Five: With ten hours of waiting, make a kick-ass sauce for that pork ass!

I elect to go with a vinegar-mustard-based sauce. But, seriously anything works. Experiment. Blend a couple of smoky, thick sauces with a tangy sauce. Mixologize some apple cider vinegar and mustard with liquid smoke, red pepper flakes, and assorted spices. The best advice of a sauce and smokologist is to experiment. Don’t be exact. Follow the heart. Smoke with love and love the smoked meat with sauce.

Task Number Six: Ding, Ding, Ding.

Wooooo! Ten hours has passed! Survival of the fittest! Pull out that pork butt and shred that bad boy to smithereens. Use a fork and hands, and get down and dirty. Feel the smoke radiate the kitchen and coat your hands. Twist and pull the pork butt into stringy strands. Boom! Pulled pork!

Task Number Seven: Embrace primal instincts, don’t resist the meat, devour like a dinosaur.

Serve the pulled pork with some Kaiser rolls or quality buns. Order the sandwich in this specific order: bun, pulled pork, coleslaw, sauce, top bun. Take a bite and rise up to smokology heaven. Feel the smokiness. Grumble and grunt like a caveman. Be a man. Eat a lot. A whole lot. Yell battle cries, rip shirt apart, be a primal man. Climb a mountain and proclaim to the world in caveman grunts, “UMPH, ME PULLED PORK HMMPH, SMOKOLOGIST!”