Guest Columnist: Lee Schechter
Misleading column title? You bet. Well, not exactly.
I want to take a moment to apologize to the stoners out there… If you came to my column hoping I smoked a boatload of drugs, you are shit out of luck.
So here is my formal introduction. Welcome to the wonderful world of smoking… MEATS!
Okay, so enough with the intro. It’s time to get manly with some manfood, man.
Kid in a candy store, Tim Tebow during his first Jets press conference, and a freshman at his first frat party. These are all excited people. But, no one, I repeat, no one, is more excited than this guy in a meat market (or Costco).
So here is my task list en route to smoking the perfect pork butt.
Task Number One: Stay on Task
Pick some really good meat. Toss two seven-pound pork butts, four racks of baby back ribs, six pounds of ground chuck into the cart (buggy, wagon, whatever you want to call it). Don’t forget the Italian sausage. Leave Costco about ninety dollars poorer. But, ninety times happier. (This is assuming a ratio of $1 spend to 1 life happiness point.) Knowing I just went H.A.M on Costco’s meat department, I leave in triumph and meaty glory. (See the pork joke, don’t worry I’ve got a trough full of them. Okay, I’ll stop.)
Task Number Two: Don’t resist the pork butt.
It’s calling my name. “Smoke me, Lee… Smoke me…” True story. It actually said that. I’m sold. Pork butt is too good, too enjoyable to cook, and way too manly to resist in the journey to becoming a manfood expert. Okay, time to get down to man-business. Time to get dedicated. Time to focus up on the art of smokology. Task Number Three: Get sensual.
The key to smoky, flavorful, rich pulled pork is all in the rub. I use a home-blend of about twelve spices and rub the pork butt the night before. So get sensual with the pork butt. Love the pork butt. Take some vegetable oil and lather that butt up. Make it glisten. Make it shimmer. Work it. Talk dirty. Pour a hefty amount of special rub into your hand and just have at it with the pork butt. Coat that ass. Cover every end, side, and corner. The butt should have a deep reddish brown layer of spiced goodness. Thank the pork butt for a great night. Kiss it. Tuck it into bed in a container and cover it with Saran wrap. Let the pork butt think about last night, marinate in the rub, and prepare for its big, long day.
Task Number Four: Wake up really early and mentally prepare for a long, long day of smoking.
Get up really early in order to eat at a reasonable hour. With the pork butt all ready to go, load up the smoker with a solid choice of chips. I enjoy cherry for pulled pork because it is a subtle flavor, but strong enough to really hit up the meat. Mesquite is a bit too powerful, but there are some other options like apple or potentially a hickory. After the chips are in place, set up the grease pan, things are going to get messy. Pigs love to sweat out their grease. Trust me. Lower the pork butt on the rack. Keep the temperature around 225 degrees. And smoke that ass for the next ten hours. General rule is about two hours per pound at 225 degrees. Run with it. Bask in the sauna of smoke. The trick to the perfect pulled pork is all in the love. I love the pulled pork with 85% of my heart (13.25% girlfriend and 1.75% friends and family). Grab a beer, relax in a recliner, watch some football, get up and realize it has only been a few hours, repeat the previous steps, lather, rinse, repeat again and watch the clock for ten hours.
Task Number Five: With ten hours of waiting, make a kick-ass sauce for that pork ass!
I elect to go with a vinegar-mustard-based sauce. But, seriously anything works. Experiment. Blend a couple of smoky, thick sauces with a tangy sauce. Mixologize some apple cider vinegar and mustard with liquid smoke, red pepper flakes, and assorted spices. The best advice of a sauce and smokologist is to experiment. Don’t be exact. Follow the heart. Smoke with love and love the smoked meat with sauce.
Task Number Six: Ding, Ding, Ding.
Wooooo! Ten hours has passed! Survival of the fittest! Pull out that pork butt and shred that bad boy to smithereens. Use a fork and hands, and get down and dirty. Feel the smoke radiate the kitchen and coat your hands. Twist and pull the pork butt into stringy strands. Boom! Pulled pork!
Task Number Seven: Embrace primal instincts, don’t resist the meat, devour like a dinosaur.
Serve the pulled pork with some Kaiser rolls or quality buns. Order the sandwich in this specific order: bun, pulled pork, coleslaw, sauce, top bun. Take a bite and rise up to smokology heaven. Feel the smokiness. Grumble and grunt like a caveman. Be a man. Eat a lot. A whole lot. Yell battle cries, rip shirt apart, be a primal man. Climb a mountain and proclaim to the world in caveman grunts, “UMPH, ME PULLED PORK HMMPH, SMOKOLOGIST!”
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