Cheese Platters: A Study in Simple and Delicious Perfection

Caitlin Miller  

Forget exams, internship applications, and that three hundred page book you have yet to crack open for this week’s discussion section: is there anything more stressful than deciding what to bring to a potluck dinner?

You don’t want show up thoughtless and empty-handed, and you definitely don’t want to be the pedant with the expensive champagne and three full courses à la Whole Foods. The question is how to present oneself as simultaneously effortless, cool, and in-the-know in a single dish?

This is exactly the conundrum I faced on Saturday evening at around seven o’clock. Already late, I raced to Babo on East Washington with potluck invitation in hand (more accurately, on phone) and spent twenty precious minutes pacing the aisles like a crazy person until I finally spotted it: the cheese station. (How did I not think of this in the first place? I write a column about cheese.) Relief poured through me as I staggered up to the somewhat alarmed looking gentleman behind the counter and uttered the realest sentence I have ever spoken: “Hello sir – I need to assemble a breathtaking plate of cheese.”

What exactly does an awesome cheese platter entail? Certain blogs belonging to cheese elitists with way too much time on their hands dictate very specific guidelines for arranging a perfect cheese plate – right down to the ounce-per-guest ratio. Please. You don't need to own a scale for the precise measuring of cheese portions to be a passionate and dignified enthusiast. Just keep these simple suggestions in mind:

1. A cheese plate should have anywhere from 3-5 cheeses, depending on the number of guests. If you are aware of any cheese junkies in attendance who would happily gobble up an entire wheel of Gouda if given the chance, take note and be sure to increase the number of cheeses as needed. Remember that a cheese plate is typically an appetizer, and you don't want to irritate those who actually cooked a main course by filling up the guests on delicious Camembert, Gruyere, and various cheddars.
2. A great cheese plate is like a Renaissance painting – everything should be balanced and harmonious. That being said, harmony can be achieved in countless ways. Let's say you have three cheeses on your plate: you can opt for hard, semi-soft, soft; cow, goat, sheep; French, American, Italian; sharp, sweet, blue. Basically, you are Michelangelo! Get weird with it.
3. Can we all get our priorities straight and collectively promise to assemble our cheese plates on something vaguely resembling a thoughtful choice? What is the point of going to all this trouble if you're going to plop your poor little cheeses down on a paper plate and call it a day? (I actually saw this once, at an actual dinner, and it was very distressing.) Remember all that stuff about Michelangelo? The plate is your canvas, and the Sistine Chapel was not painted on a cardboard box. This does not have to be your grandma's antique cherry wood cutting board, but for the love of God at least lay your cheese on a solid plate.
4. If you want to get super fancy, or alternatively are attending the dinner of someone you're desperately trying to impress, you might want to bring a bottle of wine that goes well with your selection. This crafty move eliminates the possibility of your carefully planned cheese plate being negated by a sip of clashing vino. Awkward. Nobody wants their taste buds assaulted by the combination of a heavy red wine and buttery Brie. Unless you want to seriously annoy unaware guests as they struggle to cope with this unprovoked attack on their senses, plan in advance. Or, at the very least, coordinate with a friend.

Not knowing how many guests would be at the potluck I was attending, I went with three cheeses. The first was an amazing, sharp Cabot cheddar from Vermont that had been aged for eight months; next, the extra creamy Delice de Bourgogne from Burgundy, France; and finally, a sweet goat cheese with lavender and fennel pollen (!) from Cypress Grove Chevre in northern California, the same farm that produces the legendary Humboldt Fog.

May I pause here for a moment to note, oh my god Cypress Grove has constructed a singularly spectacular website on all things goat cheese. Bravo, Cypress Grove. Have you ever found yourself fantasizing about the massive three-tiered goat-cheese wedding cake that will festoon your marital table, wowing your future spouse and all of your wedding guests? I digress.

As I walked into the potluck an hour later with a bag full of cheese, I must admit I felt a little unsure of myself. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but my faith in cheese wavered. Had I made a grave miscalculation? Would college students have any interest in consuming a plate of cheese? Or was I alone in the belief that a well-formulated cheese plate is a study in simple and delicious perfection? My initial apprehension felt comical fifteen minutes later as I watched a mixture of friends and complete strangers enthusiastically tackle my cheese platter. Let it never be questioned again that whether you’re a guest at someone’s table or just want to enjoy a fancier than normal meal at home, a plate adorned with cheese is a little whimsical, offers a little something for everyone, and costs relatively little money when divided among friends. It is an undisputed fact, like gravity, that a cheese plate is the surest way to turn any dinner, potluck, or night in with a mountain of homework from a banal experience into something classy and magical.